Detective Mandre - Introduction

Write up by Aditya Battin

We’ve known Detective Mandré for quite a long time now and though we sometimes feel sorry that our old friend had to turn out this way, we cannot deny the momentous role he played in solving the famous Priya Kambli case* and his noteworthy contributions during the Aikaycha Presidential Elections**. The reader if not an Aikaycha!!!*** member would find himself/herself in unknown territories at times and is encouraged to know a few things about our community which boasts members like Detective Mandré himself.

The following is based on a real-life story and is duplicated here with the permission of Detective Mandré.

Somewhere in Jogeshwari, 33 year old Ramesh sat in front of his bedroom window staring into the dark of the night. Months had gone by and he still couldn’t believe how lucky he was to escape that nightmare alive. The incident had changed everything. He had lost his dignity but atleast he had got a new lease on life. Ramesh had decided to make amends now. He promised himself that he would never beat up his wife and children again, quit drinking and would start being nice to everybody. He just had probably 40-45 more years on this planet….he wanted to make every moment of it worth living. When those ruthless goons had attacked him that unfortunate night, realizing his end was near, his whole life had flashed before his eyes. Ramesh saw how wrong and unjust he had been towards his loved ones. How he wished he would’ve been the father he never was, the husband he never was. Tears rolled down his face….’how could I’ve been so bad?? How could I’ve been so cruel??’ He was pushed hard on to the pavement and was bleeding profusely when he saw his attackers coming to finish him off. Ramesh prayed,’One chance….give me ONE LAST CHANCE’. And there, from the shadows had emerged a predatory figure leaping in between him and the assassins. With lightning speed it unarmed the attackers, left hook, right hook and a flying kick saw the two men smell dust. Breathing heavily, the dark figure stared despicably at the silent bodies of its opponents lying on the street. Having assured itself, the figure turned to face Ramesh. Never in his life had Ramesh been so scared seeing a human face. Or maybe it was not human at all….the red daring eyes, the mean expression, the intimidating look…maybe he was half alien-half human, like Jesus. Ramesh got up slowly, limping he tried to get away from the dark ghost. Suddenly, the messiah spoke, ”Now where do u think you are going? “. Ramesh turned, the dark knight slowly pulled his pants down and whispered through clenched teeth,”Suck my Dick,..bitch!!”

The devil was none other than our very own – Detective Mandré!!!

Mandar Barkade liked to solve puzzles right from his childhood. He was good at trivia too. Be it sports, be it politics, Mandar was a know-all. His whole childhood was spent in the suburb, Jogeshwari. Mandar graduated with a degree in Arts from the University of Mumbai, which was the top-ranked university in Mumbai. Growing up, Mandar thought about many things….many things which didn’t make sense to him. For example, “It’s unfair”, he thought, “It’s unfair that a pig’s orgasm lasts for about 30 minutes and a human’s for a couple of seconds”. He hated pigs. Even human females were known to have their orgasms last uptill a minute. He hated women. Every now and then Mandar would try to masturbate while rolling on his bed trying to imitate pigs whom he knew rolled in the mud often. Maybe pigs were smarter than they looked. Bloody swines!! Many things made him angry. He always had an issue with the Mumbai crowd, the local politicians, our Milky Way, Gandhiji and Shahrukh Khan. He hated corruption. He hated to see his beloved Jogeshwari become a crime-ridden slum populated by prostitutes, junkies and small businesses struggling to survive.

Mandar firmly believed that the whole system was flawed…whole idea of justice was wrong…..he remembered how his friends used to pick on him when he was a kid. The whole society was picking on the common man now. Something had to be done. Justice had be brought. YES, somebody had to stand up for the common man…..somebody had to take the game to those sons of bithces….YESS….somebody who was not afraid, somebody who could wipe-out the scum…………YESS,

YESS……..somebody……………..who??.............Detective Mandré!!



NEXT TIME….
Detective Mandré was unaware that he had developed Periodic Limb Movement Disorder (PLMD). This meant sleepy days for Mandar Barkade and sleepless nights for Detective Mandre’. This was going to work to his advantage. Jogeshwari would sleep peacefully while the ghost walked it’s streets at nights!!

* Priya Kambli case
** Aikaycha!!! presidential Elactions
*** Aikacyha!!!